Officially Pregnant

Our infertility, miscarriage, IVF, and pregnancy journey x 2 (still waiting on pregnancy #2)

Fuck All of This

on February 16, 2014

Valentine’s Day sucked.  It’s the one day that you’re supposed to celebrate what you have between each other.  I had off all day.  The hubs left for a long case in the OR at 7 and he didn’t get home til 10. I spent almost the entire day by myself in the house.  When he got home there was no, “Hey, Happy V Day” or “I love you” just “What’d you make for dinner?”  I did get flowers, in his defense, with a sarcastic card (again, with no I love you) after I said no gifts because we’ve spent so much this month on the IVF and his car.  I made some Valentine’s Day sweets, got him a card, and his favorite candy.

Saturday morning, he sleeps in while I get up with the pups.  I’m miserable all day.  I’m pissed off.  No attempt at romance which infertility basically strips you of anyways.  No card that he says he just forgot to write in (turns out he never got me one).  No sitting on the couch to watch a movie with me.  Nothing.  Then he keeps asking why I look like I want to cry, why I look so depressed.  I don’t know, because I’m busting my ass to make this work for us….I’m getting some nasty side effects from the Lupron….I’m doubting if this is a good idea when he seems to only worry about himself these days.

I hate IVF, I hate the meds, I hate getting up at 6:30 on the weekends to get poked, I hate him refusing to let me sleep in, I hate that he refuses to acknowledge I have to do any of this, that I don’t even get a thank you.  I think that’s all I want.

He hugged me the other day and said “Sorry you have to go through this”.  My response was, “It’s nothing” and he got upset.  Upset that I didn’t say that it wasn’t his fault.  I was upset because I would’ve rather him hugged me and said, “Thank you for doing this for us”.  But he didn’t.

Fuck all of this.

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46 responses to “Fuck All of This

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It takes so much out of us as it is and then it puts a strain on the marriage. I’m not defending your husband, and I know this is about to sound like I am. Men are stupid when it comes to women- plain and simple. I wish that wasn’t the case, but they just don’t get it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve argued with my husband just because he said or didn’t say something stupid. They need to be told what to say, what to do, what we need. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell my husband, “I need you to tell me..” Men do not understand women. They just don’t. I’ll be thinking about you through all of this. I hope your husband finds a way to support you through all of this because you need him more now than ever. It just sucks that Valentine’s Day wasn’t better for you. IF has already robbed us of so much in our lives. It’s just so freaking unfair. Vent away here if you need to. We are here for you. Hugs.

    • A Calm Persistence is right, men are stupid. My husband had told me outright that I need to specifically ask for whatever I want or need because he isn’t going to be able to figure it out. Sometimes it is exhausting to do that and I just wish he could read my damn mind! But I have to say that since I have started being more direct with him, I may have to ask for what I want, but at least I usually get it. I am sorry your Valentine’s day sucked, but try not to give up hope. Hugs.

    • ksquared0710 says:

      Thank you for all your words of encouragement, support, and advice. It’s nice to be able to connect to others out there that know what’s going on and how we all feel during this.

  2. Reblogged this on A Calm Persistence and commented:
    If you’re not following this blog already, she could use a couple more followers to show her some love right now.

  3. Hope it’s okay I reblogged this. Hoping to get you some more followers so you feel supported through all of this. Thinking of you. 🙂

  4. somedaymama says:

    I’m so sorry. Infertility is the worst IN SO MANY WAYS. It effects everything, especial relationships. My hubby and I actually went through a separation period because it was so hard and damaging to our relationship and we let it tear us apart. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It’s sucks.

  5. Smile says:

    Fuck all of this indeed. I have been there honey and the evil lupron just makes it worse. I found with my husband that he wanted to say thank you but didn’t quite know how to talk to me about it through all the fear. It took he and I sitting down and somewhat calmly (there is no actual calm when you are hopped up on that many drugs) for us to be able to share our feelings throughout the process. Wishing you peace to get through it.

  6. A Calm Persistence led me here. And I’m glad that she did.
    Encouragement is what gets me through the crappy days of infertility. I’m so sorry that things seem sour right now. It’s not fun and trying with all you have and being let down isn’t exactly what we wish for as little girls. Hang in there. 🙂 Prayers for you!

  7. I kind of LOVE you for being so honest about your relationship on your blog–I am honest about mine too. We fight. He’s an insensitive jerk sometimes (his job rules our lives too) and when you are dealing with a jerky husband who won’t acknowledge the sacrifices you have made PLUS treatments and the stress of being infertile, it just makes things feel unbearable sometimes. And yeah, f*ck that sh*t. XO, your new friend, MLACS

    • MLACS, Funny you say how you love her honesty, because you are the one I thought of when I read this… The blunt honesty. I like it! Some days it is all just too much and too difficult to take and we need to vent. Officially Unpregnant, I’m sorry for such a sucky day or I guess DAYS. It seems like when it starts to get ugly, it just snowballs into something much worse. And then every little thing can just piss us off more than ever. I know that sometimes the only way I can get my husband to open up and say what he’s really feeling is to just call him out when I feel like he is being insensitive or not saying what I need to hear.

      I hope things start looking up for you. As if going through all of this isn’t hard enough, you certainly don’t need him adding to the stress. Thinking of you…

    • ksquared0710 says:

      You’re adorable. And you’ve made me smile. Double bonus for you MLACS. Thank you. 🙂

  8. Elisha says:

    i actually just wrote a blog the other day about the difference in how me and the hubby have reacted to this struggle. His personality is so laid back and whatever, while I’m running around screaming fire and gathering all the women and children. I have posted it yet. I wanted him to read it before the rest of the world does first. Hugs to you girl! Men just don’t always get it. They don’t see the pregnant woman across the street, the one ripping out our heart when we look at her. They aren’t the one researching every shot, needle, or vitamin. They care, but they have the worst ways of showing it sometimes. hugs girl!!

  9. Lisette says:

    Fuck this indeed. I’m sorry you’re going through this, here to support you. You’ve every right to be pissed right off. Hugs xx

  10. Kate says:

    So sorry, friend. It’s all so hard…and infertility just compounds everything exponentially. Ugh. So tough. I’m sorry this weekend isn’t a great one for you and your husband. I’m sure he means well, but guys just don’t really deal so well with this emotional stuff, and for sure, they don’t experience like we do. My guess is that he feels awful seeing you so miserable and he is powerless and helpless to fix it and make you happy like you want to be. And most guys, when they feel inadequate, they check out and withdraw….hard for them to deal with their own helplessness and inability to be the hero. It’s just sucky all around.

    My prayers are with you. I am certainly no one to give advice. But I am praying that you and your hubs will connect again soon…you both are on the same team (I say that to my husband a lot when we are at each other). It’s hard to remember that when things just aren’t going your way. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you. Feel free to vent any time. We’re here for you. xo

  11. Caroline says:

    I am so sorry you feel this way!! I felt this way both times. It is hard for is to explain to our husbands how we feel (mainly because we don’t know!!). Hope it gets better.

  12. Jenn says:

    I just wrote a post about how shit IF is on a marriage, so this is going to sound really hypocritical. But I agree with Calm Persistence. Men are idiots. Plain and simple. They have no clue what we go through, and they want to try to fix things and when they can’t, they get all pissy instead of actually saying how they feel about things. Instead of saying “It’s nothing” I suggest telling him how hard it actually is. Use that as an invitation to talk about how much it sucks for you.

    • ksquared0710 says:

      I love your blog name although I might disagree as my bullie is on my arm snoring uncontrollably! 🙂 I appreciate your advice and thank you for your understanding.

      • Jenn says:

        Thanks! Yeah, it is mostly in response to people with the comment “at least you have dogs.” While I love them like children, it’s still not the same 🙂

  13. anabea1 says:

    I too LOVE your blunt honesty! My heart hurts for you. My hubby and I just had a long talk about this. He has been very on edge with me lately (which is not normal). I finally told him I think he needs to talk to me about his own feelings regarding this damn infertility storm. And I don’t think he (or any of my friends/family) truly understand the mental struggle. I agree with others. Be as honest with him as you have been on here! Virtual hugs!!

  14. myhopejar says:

    I echo what everyone has said, men are idiots! My hubby tries to understand, bless him, but it really didn’t sink in for him until our doctor summed up how much we had put my body through and how hard it actually is. They really are clueless. I think the only way to make them understand is to talk through it, though I know sometimes we just want (need) them to get it without having to explain it. Sending you strength and prayers hon.

    • ksquared0710 says:

      Thanks for your support. We had a small tiff last night, but this morning I could tell he was pretty down. We’re due for a good sit down talk tonight so hopefully we can just get past this bump in the road.

      • myhopejar says:

        I’m so sorry you had another fight. I’m glad you’re planning on talking everything through. I hope it goes well. Sending you strength hon.

  15. Whole Belly says:

    I am so so sorry you are going through this. I can completely relate as I had a VERY similar weekend. We are the ones getting poked and prodded and jacked full of hormones…and to top it off we often carry so much pressure to “get it right” and finally get pregnant. We just want some acknowledgement sometimes! In my crazy I’m-going-to-pack-my-shit-up-and-leave hormone haze, I told him how I felt about everything. How I feel so alone and scared and exactly what I need from him. The other ladies here are right about our guys needing it spelled out for them. It’s incredibly annoying when I just want him to WANT to do these things without me having to ask. Hugs friend. Feel free to vent anytime.

  16. abnormalnorm says:

    I just found your blog and read this post. I’ve been struggling for a while now (4 1/2 years) with multiple rounds of IVF and all the crap that goes with it. A lot of these posters are right. Men are stupid and they don’t know what to say. I can’t tell you how many fights my husband and I have had over this very issue. What I recommend is being very up front with him especially right now. Whenever I start meds I tell my husband be nice and don’t say stupid stuff because I’m more emotional right now. It doesn’t always work but it does help. Let him know what you need. Unfortunately they dont think of these things by themselves. I also work in the OR so I understand that aspect too. I hope things start to get better for you and I wish you the best.

  17. Alexis McM says:

    What an amazing show of support – it’s because you are the sweetest and you don’t deserve this. Unfortunately the relationship you have worked out your entire marriage sometimes isn’t spared in this battle. I’m hoping this battle is over quickly for you so you and your husband can resume.

  18. Alex says:

    Awww, sweetie – I’m so sorry. That really sucks!! I was pretty miserable on v-day too – one because I’ve been sick as a dog, two because it’s become the least romantic day in the year for me. Honestly, I think it would be better to tell your hubby how you really feel. Personally, I’m not real good at pretending anyway – but I’m definitely with you on being annoyed in this situation. Hugs!

  19. Hugs! I’m hopping over to your blog from the link from a Calm Persistence and I just wanted to send you some virtual love. It is so hard being infertile and having loss and I have definitely felt the burden it places on marriage, especially since men and women grieve and deal with struggles so differently. My husband and I were fighting constantly throughout the year and by October, I was fed up with him. I felt so unloved and worried that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and all I could do was give it up to God. I had to pray that Jonathan would be more understanding and loving towards me and that I would start loving him more too. At first when I started praying, it almost seemed to get worse, but I think that sometimes prayer works out in messy ways, you know? It was really hard but I just worked on being loving towards Jonathan, even if he was a jerk towards me, and somehow it all started to work out slowly but surely. I’d say we are still dealing with this, but it is getting a lot better now. It can for you too – be honest with your husband about your feelings and fight for your marriage. You deserve to have a wonderful, happy marriage, and I’ll be praying for you both. And we will all be here in the blogging community to support you whenever you need to vent about it all!

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