Officially Pregnant

Our infertility, miscarriage, IVF, and pregnancy journey x 2 (still waiting on pregnancy #2)

Working it out

on February 17, 2014

Last night I about had it with him.  Tears started flowing and words came out faster than I could control them.  That’s what happens when you stew for three days.  Shit just comes spewing out.  He sat quietly staring at the tv and said nothing.  I’m over it, I’m done I thought.

This morning he came in to give me the daily lupron poke.  As I tried to make a joke to distract myself all he said was, “I hate this anymore.  I don’t want to do this to you.”  Boom.  Instant guilt.  I felt horrible.  By no means do I want to make him feel bad.  I just want him to understand that this isn’t easy on me.

So, I sent the hubs a text this morning.  A “we need to talk” text.  A “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad” text. An “I love you” text.

Nothing.

Then, I sat down and wrote…a lot.

I sent the hubs an email by 10:30 this morning.  It was a list of “I need you”s.  Ways to tell him how I needed him throughout all of this and what that meant on his end of the deal.  For example, “I need you to tell me you love me; especially when I don’t deserve it because it’s most likely when I need to hear it the most” or, “I need you to understand that while this isn’t how I imagined having children, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love you with all my heart and want to have children with you”

I also added a sections of “I promise” because it’s not fair to expect so much from him during this and not make some changes myself.  Things like, “I promise not to assume you know how I’m feeling.  It’s not fair.  You’re a dude” and “I promise to be more honest and upfront with you about how I feel.  Feeling like shit for three days straight made you upset and ruined my weekend.  I’m sorry.”

Nothing.  For two hours….nothing.  I couldn’t peel myself from the couch.  I knew he was probably in the OR but still, my mind wondered.

Finally. A text.  An “I love you too sorry dont have time to write a letter”.  Ah…his sarcasm.  Just what I wanted to hear.  NOT.  But…I asked him he if wanted to go on a date tonight, out for dinner.  His answer was yes, but also a “I would like to write one too”.  Uh oh….I’ve created a monster.  I’m nervous for some reason to hear what he has to say because when he says it it’s for real, from the bottom of his heart where he doesn’t go often to dig out the words.  Either way, I’m looking forward to a scrumptious dinner with my handsome hubs where we can go back to being us.

be happy

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11 responses to “Working it out

  1. I hope your date goes well. I can appreciate you tackling both sides, the “I need yous” and the ‘I promise yous.” I hope he appreciates it as well. Hang in there!

  2. That’s good–I would’ve done the same because I’m much better at articulating myself through writing. In fact, Mr. MLACS reads my blog so he always knows how I feel and why, and it has actually helped him to respond better–I’m not saying that works for everybody but it’s helped me more than once. I hope your dinner tonight brings you some relief. XO

  3. Overdue & honest talks over great food are the best 🙂 Keep in mind, you are hormonal (that always helps me keep myself in check). Plus…the make up sex is gonna be AWESOME!! 😜 But seriously, good luck!!

  4. That was a great plan. My hubby is also hard to get through to during the tough moments. But he always caves and comes through somehow. Hope you enjoyed your date night. You beyond deserve it.

  5. Alexis McM says:

    Thinking about you girl. I agree that getting those thoughts out on paper or an email are the best way to communicate when IF has mangled your thoughts and communication.

  6. Whole Belly says:

    Writing an email has helped my hubby and I to communicate at times too. Glad you got it all out and included ways you will work on the relationship too. I’m sure that means a lot to your husband. Hope you all enjoyed date night!

  7. Shannon says:

    TTC and infertility can tear two people apart. I think communication is great, and ideally as you lean on each other it will bring you closer together. Would you believe I hid the fact that I was doing fertility treatments from my hubs for SEVEN months!!! We had been TTC for almost a year before I completely lost my shit and told him. Part if it was because I was so depressed and I had no one to talk to and part of it was because at that point it seemed like IUI was the next step and there was no way around that. I used to drive to all the appointments before or during work, hide all my meds, paid for it all myself, etc. Looking back I wish it was something we could have gone through together, but I was trying to spare him the pain of knowing we might not conceive and all and the whole yucky process. Good luck with everything. HUGS.

  8. I totally wrote a letter to my husband last year too – it actually worked out great and it gave him a chance to express his own feelings. I’ll be covering you both in my prayers – it is so hard to go through this all and I’m so sorry that you are. Big, big hugs to you!

  9. loveh3 says:

    Enjoy your date out but most of all ENJOY EACH OTHER!

  10. Hope your date night was fun, sometimes its good to get things out in the open and not let it build up, plus as faithinfertile said make up sex will be amazing! ☺️

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